he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
