About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
