She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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