By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
