Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
