Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
