Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
