Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
