When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
