i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
