Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
