he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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