Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
