What a fucking waste of an outfit
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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