I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
