Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
