i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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