if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
we're making bets on your personal life
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I need to calm my uterus...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
