weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
