birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
