I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
