Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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