Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
