Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize