i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
