did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
