he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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