this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
