You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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