I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
