Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Sext me about skeletons
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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