Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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