eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
