I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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