"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
