UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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