I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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