If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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