if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
