I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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