it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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