sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I FOUND THE LEGS
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
