Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
