hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
