The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
