I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
