This is not my ceiling
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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