i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
