i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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