if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
