Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
