i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
