I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
