If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
