I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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