my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
What did we do last night that was yellow?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
