he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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