can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i need an iv and a liver transplant
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
