So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
