I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
