Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
