kristin has been a bad kristin
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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