I faked an abortion last night.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize