I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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